


Things that Matter

by egosoffire



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 13:17:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21100097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egosoffire/pseuds/egosoffire
Summary: Captain America’s Suicide Scandal. His photograph greeted him, the dumb press photo he’d been forced to take in the suit superimposed over a picture that he hadn’t seen in years. His heart dropped to the floor, and every muscle of his body grew heavy. He forced his eyes to focus, banished the blurriness to read the article.Sam's past suicide attempt comes back to haunt him.





	Things that Matter

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This whole fic revolves around a past suicide attempt. Be aware.

“Sam. Hey Sam, answer your phone. Sam, call me before you look at the internet or...well, anything. Call me.”

Sam stared at his phone, playing Bucky’s voicemail on speaker. The tone in Bucky’s voice was frantic, desperate. It didn’t even sound like him. Wiping the sleep out of his eyes, Sam stood up and then flipped over to his phone’s news app.

_ Captain America’s Suicide Scandal.  _ His photograph greeted him, the dumb press photo he’d been forced to take in the suit superimposed over a picture that he hadn’t seen in years. His heart dropped to the floor, and every muscle of his body grew heavy. He forced his eyes to focus, banished the blurriness to read the article.

_ Sam Wilson, better known to the country as the “new” Captain America, is at the center of yet another scandal.  _

“When was I ever involved in a scandal?” Sam asked, the words coming out in a voice that sounded deflated. He knew what the article was about, but god, he didn’t want to continue reading.

_ Documents have been leaked, which reveal that in early 2012, Wilson was admitted to a DC hospital following a suicide attempt.  _

_ This news yet again brings into question - is Wilson a proper replacement for Steve Rogers? Earlier this year, following The Return, Steve Rogers gave up the role of Captain America under mysterious circumstances. Critics immediately began to question whether or not his chosen replacement, Wilson, had the credentials necessary to… _

Sam stopped reading and closed the app before sitting back down on his bed.

His phone almost immediately began to ring again, the fifth phone call from Bucky. Numbly, he answered it. 

“Sam, were you asleep? You need to know…”

“I saw it,” he replied. “How the fuck did they…”

“I don’t know.” Bucky’s reply sounded cold, hollow. “You know I don’t understand this era, right? I mean, god, people’s private lives shouldn’t be…”

Sam found it hard to follow Bucky’s words. “Is someone on damage control?” he asked. Bucky at least had the excuse of being over a hundred years old; Sam truly didn’t understand the culture they lived in either, or how to handle it. Tony had always managed the press aspect of being an Avenger, and now that he was gone… Sam wasn’t sure who would control and diffuse this situation, but it sure as hell wasn’t going to be him. 

“Yeah, but they want…”

“Tell them all I need time,” Sam said. “I need to breathe for a moment.”

Sam hung up the phone and closed his eyes. Breathing, it seemed, was going to be easier said than done. Recollections threatened to draw him back to another life, another man. He had hit rock bottom once upon a time, and he wasn’t ashamed of that. Hell, he’d talked about his struggles with depression and suicide during his group sessions, to make sure that those he worked with knew they weren’t alone in their efforts.

It was a surprise to see it plastered across the front pages, though. It shouldn’t be news or a scandal.

Bucky came over three hours later. Sam wasn’t entirely surprised. He’d given him space, but Bucky also knew him better than most nowadays. Bucky knew that Sam couldn’t handle coping alone for too long. He knew that Sam needed someone there, someone who was willing to listen without judgment.

“I know you said you needed to be left alone,” Bucky said, standing at his front door and looking awkward, “but I wanted to make sure…”

Sam cut him off by hugging him. As much as he and Bucky bickered back and forth, the man was his best friend now. He wrapped both arms around Bucky and held on tight, feeling the momentary resistance from his friend and then the release. 

“Thank you,” he murmured, pressing his face against Bucky’s shoulder. “I don’t want to be left alone right now. I really don’t…”

When he let Bucky go, he crossed the room and sat on the sofa, closing his eyes.

“How the fuck did that leak?” he asked Bucky after a moment, sure that the other man had done a little more digging than he was able to. 

“I don’t know for sure,” Bucky replied, sitting next to him. His concerned expression was heartbreaking, but Sam noticed it lacked the condescending pity that he’d experienced all those years ago. “Hospital records are private, obviously. The photo they used was taken by your mom, but she has no idea how anyone was able to steal it.”

Sam winced. Shit. He hadn’t thought about his mother. This had to be killing her. She had struggled to understand what drove him to the lows he hit, but she had turned around and was her son’s biggest supporter. She still was.

“I need to call her,” he said. “I can’t let those bastards…”

“I’ll take you to go see her.”

***

As Bucky drove him to his mother’s place, Sam realized that Bucky didn’t have a car. “Where the hell did you get this ride?”

Bucky’s lips curled in a faint smile. “Called in some favors,” he said. “I had a feeling you’d be wanting to get out of town fast. I didn’t think of your Ma, but...I wanted to have my own transport for this one.”

The silence between them filled the air. Finally, Sam had to ask. 

“Okay, I’ll bite.”

“What?”

“Why haven’t you asked about it?” Sam asked. The tension in the air was making him nervous, and he wanted to just get it over with. “You must be curious.”

“It isn’t mine to ask,” Bucky said, the look on his face tense. “If you want to talk about it, I’d be glad to listen. I don’t want to violate your privacy, though, not any more than it’s already been…”

Sam couldn’t help but smile in spite of how terrible he felt. Bucky proved himself, again and again, to be a true friend. 

“I’ve always dealt with depression,” Sam murmured, looking out onto the road. “I got diagnosed when I was seventeen; it was at the start of my senior year in high school. It was...a gut punch, but it made a lot of the stuff I was feeling suddenly make sense.”

Both of them were quiet for a moment, Bucky not filling in the silence. Sam liked that about him.

“I was on antidepressants,” Sam said, “and I saw a therapist until I was like...nineteen or so. My family was perfect about stuff like that. It was helpful because I know a lot of people, especially young black guys, aren’t so lucky. There’s a lot of stigma.”

“I get that…”

Sam didn’t stop talking. It felt good to be open and straightforward with this stuff and to talk to someone willing to quietly listen.

“I did okay. The medications helped, and I learned coping skills for when I had bad episodes or periods of darkness. I qualified to enlist in my early twenties once I got things stable for three years. Life was good.” 

“I think Riley’s death was a catalyst,” Sam said quietly after a moment’s breath. “I don’t think it caused it, but when Riley died, I hit a low. I was able to get out of the service, and then I had lost the most important person in my life, and I lost my sense of purpose. I backslid hard.”

“I can imagine,” Bucky said softly when a silence spread through the car. “I mean, a death like that…”

“Some careers, man, they just become a defining part of you,” Sam sighed. “I couldn’t be a soldier anymore, but I also didn’t know if I was capable of being anything else. I plummeted, and I didn’t want to live anymore.”

They pulled up in front of his mom’s apartment just at that moment. Sam wiped at his eyes. 

“I was drunk,” he told Bucky quietly. “Took a shitload of pills. I got lucky. End of story.”

Bucky kept his hand on Sam’s shoulder for a long moment while he sat in the parked car, catching his breath. Bucky’s silence was warm, comforting, and not at all awkward. He was there for Sam, a good friend.

“Do you want me to wait in the car?” Bucky asked.

“No,” Sam said, shaking his head and opening the door. “I’ve meant to introduce you two.”

A moment after they knocked, the door swung open. Sam’s mother stood in front of him. People had always told Sam he took after his mother. They were of similar build and had the same eyes, the same gap-toothed smile. Relief flooded his mother’s eyes. “Sammy,” she whispered, immediately pulling him into a hug. She held him so tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Ma,” Sam whispered, squeezing back. 

“What the hell are you sorry for, baby?” she asked, pulling back just enough to look at him. She hadn’t even noticed Bucky, who was standing stiffly behind them. “Honey, those vultures… How did they get that information? Or the photo?”

Sam shook his head. “I have absolutely no idea,” he assured, finally managing to wriggle out of her tight grasp. “I just wanted to come see you, make sure that you weren’t being hounded. I was worried…”

“I turned my phone off,” she said. “Somehow, I’ve been contacted a few times. But it’s nothing, baby. Are you okay? This isn’t going to make you relapse or anything, is it?” Her fear was making her talk fast, babbling along. “It doesn’t matter, Sammy; good people aren’t going to judge you for this. I promise…” 

Sam had to ease his mother’s fears, but at the same time, he had never been anything but honest with his mom. “I’m freaked out,” he admitted, stroking her cheek briefly before letting go. “I ain’t ashamed of where I was, but...I didn’t expect this to be a gossip column item, you know? I’m gonna have to make a statement.”

“People have been jackasses since you took that shield.” Her words were sorrowful, matter-of-fact. His mother had been afraid when he took up the mantle of Captain America, and she had told him to carefully consider what he was doing. She had said to him that people were going to struggle with a black man representing America, and that struggle was going to come out in unexpected ways. She had been right, and he had persisted; now, he had to endure again. “Sam, I’m proud of you…” 

“We all are.” Bucky hardly made himself known, but all of a sudden, he drew both of them towards him. “Nobody but Sam could have done what Steve asked. Nobody else believed in the same thing as Steve had the same level of…”

“Bullheaded stubbornness.” His mother filled in the words, and Bucky smiled. “You were that boy they saved from all those years ago…”

Bucky’s smile was shy, and Sam understood that. They had all tried to downplay who he was when he came back, decided to allow Bucky a chance at a normal life, but anyone smart - someone like his mother, perhaps - could tell that the story of the Winter Soldier was a tragic one.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And you’ve been partnering up with my stubborn little boy?”

With his nod, she smiled. “Thank you.”

“I really don’t know if there’s a lot I can do about this,” Sam admitted, looking both to the brilliant mother who’d raised him and the man who had become his closest friend. “I mean, I’ll make a statement and stuff, but... that’s all I really can do. Anyone who’d use this against me isn’t worth my time.”

“That’s true.” His mom smiled brightly. “Now come on, boys. I’ll make dinner.”

***

After dinner, Sam and Bucky started the long ride back home. “Do you feel any better?” Bucky asked after a while.

“Yeah, I do. My mom has always known how to smooth things over.”

“It’s a mom thing,” Bucky suggested. “I’m glad she was able to help you feel better. I know this is idiotic.”

“Yeah, it kinda is,” Sam said. He leaned his head back against the headrest of the car. “For a few minutes, I really felt drawn back to that time. That darkness. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”

Bucky was quiet for a moment. Sam could tell that he was thinking hard. “I don’t think there’s a guarantee that you’ll never hit a dark period again,” he said, “but, you know, you’re never going to be alone. No matter if it gets bad again, or if something bad happens. You’re always going to have your family close by to keep you going.”

Sam cracked a small smile. Bucky didn’t seem like the best at conversations like these, but God did that boy have a heart. He knew what it was like to hurt, and he wanted Sam to know that there’d always be someone there.

“Does that include you?”

Bucky’s eyes widened a little. In the mirror, Sam caught his gaze. “If you want it to.”

“Yes, I want it to,” he said with a dry smirk. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, man.”

***

Time went by. Sam watched with some amusement as the scandalous story was stacked underneath new scandals, new pieces of public interest. It wasn’t as bad as he’d initially thought at the start. Still, he felt that he had to say his peace, let people out there who were struggling know that it was nothing to be ashamed of, that they weren’t alone. 

“You know you don’t have to,” Bucky said, as they sat on the couch of their (now shared!) apartment. Sam watched as Bucky ran a hand through his newly shortened hair, looking to Sam with a worried expression. “It’s kind of faded out of the media, and nobody’s expecting you to say…”

“I have to,” Sam said, cutting him off. “I know it’s weird since I never wanted all the attention brought to that period in my life, but I need to. There are many people out there who think of suicide or have attempted. There is just way too much shame.”

“It would help a lot to have Captain America come out and talk about his experiences…” Bucky agreed solemnly. “I get what you’re saying.”

“It just feels right to me.” 

“It sounds right to me,” Bucky admitted. He looked over at the corner of the room, where the clock displayed the time. “Hey, Rhodey said we needed to watch the news at six. C’mon, let’s put it on.”

Bucky then flipped on the television.

“Why does he want us to…”

“Shh.”

A moment later, a surprising face appeared on the television. Pepper. Sam’s heart ached at the sight of Tony’s beautiful widow, knowing all that she had lost. She was raising her daughter on her own, a brilliant five-year-old with a winning personality. What Tony had sacrificed for the rest of the universe…

It wasn’t fair. It would never be fair.

Pepper smiled warmly at the camera. “Hello,” she said, and Sam could see the sadness behind her eyes; yet, he could also see the power in her, the courage. She was going to survive for her daughter and for her husband’s memory. Determination was her entire persona. “I wanted to speak to the American public for just a moment. I won’t take up too much of your time, but the subject is something significant to me.”

A graphic displaying: Pepper Potts-Stark, widow of Tony Stark, flashed below her. 

“Recently, some disconcerting things have been said about Sam Wilson, Captain America.” 

Sam had only spoken to the woman a few times in his life, and each time it was barely more than a few short words. Hearing his name in her mouth was strange, almost uncomfortable. 

“I can’t say that I know Sam well, but I know what it means to be a hero,” Pepper said, the words soft, wistful, and laced with meaning. “I know that people often take their heroes and put them on a pedestal, raise them up to a level of godlike admiration. They did that with Tony all the time. He was Iron Man, he was this figure that reached almost mythical proportions…”

Pepper paused, and her pause gave Sam a moment to get his head together. Hearing this woman speak meant something, but it hurt, opened up fresh wounds.

“In the months since his death, my husband’s status as a mythical figure has continued to astound me,” Pepper said with a soft sigh. “Tony did the unthinkable, and he saved the universe. He will always be a great hero, but he was no god, either. He was a human with severe anxiety, complex PTSD, and thoughts that would horrify much of his adoring public.”

Sam blinked. In his years with the Avengers, he had not known that about Tony. Then again, the man had always kept his guard up, even before everything fell apart.

Pepper paused, and her pause gave Sam a moment to get his head together. Hearing this woman speak meant something, but it hurt, opened up fresh wounds.

“People hurt, they suffer, and they struggle with mental illnesses. There are millions upon millions of people out there, hurting like Tony did, just like Sam did. It makes me positively ill that people have spoken so cruelly about Sam, doubting his ability to lead, to be an American hero. I may not know him well, but I know for a fact that he is a good man.”

Sam was a little surprised at that. How did she know what kind of man he was? He appreciated her speaking on his behalf like nothing else, but what made a good man? That thought left him baffled, confused, and a little exhausted.

“Trust him. His mental health struggles, his past, they belong to him, but Steve Rogers trusted him with the role of Captain America, and The Avengers had come to know him for the strong, loyal person he is. He has the heart of a hero. Have empathy, have a sense of understanding. We all hurt. We all struggle. In spite of everything this planet has seen, we rebuild.”

Sam took a breath, just taking in the words. “She didn’t have to do that,” he said after he’d collected himself.

“She didn’t,” Bucky agreed, “but she did. Her word has a lot of value. That will help before the press conference.”

“Did you know that he…”

Bucky winced, the mention of Tony difficult for him. The mention of Tony was painful for most people, but Bucky had it worse. “No,” he said, “but is it any wonder? He’s someone who dealt with a lot of pain… Pepper had a good point. We all have our wounds and scars and struggles.”

Sam nodded.

***

The press conference was modest, but it would be televised nationally. If there was one part of being Captain America that Sam hated, it was the idea that he was some kind of celebrity. He looked down at his hands. 

It began.

“Hello,” he said with a friendly smile. At first, it felt phony, but it eventually became his own. “My name is Sam Wilson, but some of you prefer to call me Captain America.”

“There’s been a lot of talk about me recently. I get it. I don’t look like the last guy to hold the shield, I do things a little different, I’m not ancient.” Tiny chuckles from the crowd punctuated his statement. “I know there’s been a lot about me in the news lately, and I want to address it firmly. First of all, yes, I do suffer from depression.”

Sam gave a moment for his words to sink in.

“I have always struggled with navigating the ups and downs of my mood. I spent my whole life trying to cope, to treat it as best as I know. There was a period in my life, however, when the lows were far too deep to manage. I felt like I was being pulled down by many external things. I lost someone who I felt was my soulmate, the career that I had spent my life on was done for. I didn’t know who I was, and I lost my grip on reality for a little while.”

Sam could tell that he had the crowd. They watched him, their attention rapt. 

“I attempted suicide. I didn’t know that there was better out there, or that the pain would pass. I wanted to die, and I tried. Afterward, I felt lost. I didn’t know what to do. Luckily, I wasn’t alone. I had a therapist, I had family and friends, and I learned ways to cope with the falling. After a time, I wasn’t falling anymore.”

The questions threw him off, but many of them were what he’d expected.

“Are you better now?”

“I am. Depression isn’t one of those things that go away, but I’ve learned coping mechanisms and ways to deal with the bad days. I am not alone. I have a lot of support and people who care about me.”

“What do you say to critics who believe this impairs your ability to be Captain America?”

Sam had to hold his tongue at that and answer nicely.

“I say that they’re ignorant, and would do well to educate themselves. Chances are someone in their life is fighting a battle with mental illness and hears their ignorance. I am human, but so was Steve Rogers. He was fighting his own battles.”

“What did you hope to gain today by speaking out?”

“Well, I’ve heard just about everyone else’s opinion of me and my mental health,” Sam chuckled dryly. “Figured that I would add my two cents on the matter. I also wanted to speak to people who struggle with depression or other mental illnesses…”

“What do you mean?”

“I want them to know that they’re not alone. It aches, and it’s terrifying, but you’re not alone. It seems, especially when you’re in a dark place, that there’s no way out, but you are going to surprise yourself. Your friends and family are going to surprise you. I know you feel alone, but there’s so many of us out there.”

The press conference ended with little fanfare. Sam stepped away satisfied, pleased that he had projected an essential message with style and grace. The moment the meeting was over, however, and he was assured by some security that Stark Industries had sent over, weakness overcame him. His knees trembled a moment, and then there was a robust and distinct metal arm draped over his shoulder.

“I got you.”

Sam sunk into Bucky’s warm, comforting embrace and sighed.

“You were amazing out there,” Bucky murmured. Somehow he knew not to let go of Sam. “I’m so proud of you, Sam.”

“Do you think I did okay?” Sam asked, surprised at how insecure he sounded. He knew, for a fact, that he had done what he could with what he had. 

“You did a great job.”

Sam found that even after letting go of Bucky to a degree, he couldn’t let go of his hand. Bucky didn’t seem to mind, squeezing it in a comforting gesture. 

“You did big things, Sam,” he said softly. “I hope you know that.”

Holding tight to his best friend’s hand, Sam knew that he had. He had done big things, and it mattered.


End file.
